It’s like I am giving pieces of myself away to them for safekeeping, a way to keep you sort of thriving. They probably have no idea that without you I am the kind of deficient no medication can fix. I miss myself but finding that girl is like getting sleep to come to you when you’ve been awake for too long such that your eyes won’t close even with the constant burn and desire for them to do so.
I was wondering today why I always end up writing in the same theme and someone told me not to worry and to just write about the weird stuff. I realized that you make as much of me as you did before and the place in my heart I always call empty isn’t so but very much occupied by you. It makes me angry at you though because that makes me feel like the sort of lost there is no compass for. The kind that was faced by sailors of the old when clouds would cover the sky and they would curse for all it was worth for the disappearance of the stars. I believe they still knew more about the world with certainty than I do. What do y9o9u do when life spins you around with a blindfold on and dumps you miles away from what you knew to be familiar and then tells you to get your shit together and go home. What do you do when home was where you were naïve and spent nights on a blanket watching the stars, when home was playing basketball in the heat and the smell of warm French toast, when home was the smell of a dirty boy pushing you behind him just so that you wouldn’t get into a fight with the bigger kids in the park. What do you do when ‘home’ is taken away. Without you I feel like the sort of homeless that comes when the only home I want has boarded up its windows, changed the locks and its location with no new mailing address to forward my letters to.
I feel so guilty feeling all of this because I really do love life and I am happy, I really am, and more importantly, self assured because I need no one for my happiness but there is this underlying sadness that no amount of tears can drown. The problem with keeping up with the current is, you eventually learn to swim. The teardrops fall, still and in tandem. Each one frightened to make its journey with the burden that it carries and so they plunge into their demise bravely within the eyelids with more grace than I deserve on my cheeks. Sometimes your absence hits like a wave that I haven’t planted my feet against and before I have time to adjust, the level keeps on rising taking back with it everything I had built up. It is now such a constant part of life that I don’t even get shocked at the utter callousness of the ocean, directing its wrath so clearly at me time and again.
I am inventing this as I go, This feeling with each drop of hope that builds up then falls out of me, with each time I feel free only to be caught and shackled again. Its like this repetitive beat reverberating within me, reminding me of my lifetime subscription to the same slideshow again and again. The feeling of the car swerving and the small hands clutching at me, positioning me out of the way within that split second when you took my place. The acute realization that it should have been me. The sounds of the hospital, the machines, the people, your voice promising me that everything will be fine.
It seems like a story sometimes, a twisted scene unfolding in front of me as I watch as an onlooker, laughing at its incredulity. There is silence in that version though, the sort of silence few people on this Earth know about. The kind of silence that has its own sound that hurts so much that you feel your eardrums about to burst. The silence that only comes when the last echo of your own laughter has died and only a memory remains of the voices that used to hum to you and pull you back from the darkest nights and most haunting nightmares.
So many pieces have been shattered off that I don’t think I quite remember the whole picture that it was, I just remember it being beautiful and maybe, that’s why I give some pieces away so that maybe, just maybe, someone might be able to make a picture out of it again. With all the focus on the slow dropping through space and the literal crash that scattered all of them to unimaginable places, I forget though that sometimes only one set of hands know how things were before and I would so much rather be broken than put back together in the wrong order by the wrong hands with the wrong glue but the fact that I have people to give them to, a whole village of people actually, makes me want to believe in all the bright, sunny crap they put on bumper stickers. It’s all true and even with the dark and twisty bundle of contradictions that I am, that’s what I’ll choose to believe in.