You would think it hurts, It doesn’t. It’s a high, a relief when for a sweet second, you can point out the direction of the pain in real time, you can have an active reason to feel. They always say it incredulously as if who would want to feel the pain.
I smile to myself, what do they know.
Finally, I’m in control, I can determine myself what I want to feel, how I want to feel and for a freeing moment; I’m me.
As the drops of crimson appear, I’m laughing.
I’m laughing because I can finally see you again.
I’m laughing because this is one thing that I get to keep.
I’m laughing because these beads of shared blood and your voice in my head covers all my senses until all I can see and feel and hear, is you.
It’s madness and I’m laughing because this madness is mine and no one can take me from me.
I read somewhere recently, “Happiness is an inside job” – It’s true on the most part. Many people simply let happiness flow freely from their minds and envelope them like a warm blanket. I have to believe I have the power to not let sadness predominate my perceptions of the things around me. I have to believe that I have the power to cage the monster, the predator stalking me inside my head like I’m its prey.
Depression is an actual medical condition due to the chemical messengers of the brain and it should be addressed seriously as such. I am not depressed. I spend most of my time being thankful for the life I lead. It’s a mess but it’s my mess and it’s as much a part of me as anything else. Sometimes though, I find myself staring off into space gripping myself trying to keep the random waves of sadness from overtaking me, trying to not let my heart crumple under the sudden onslaught of grief. It’s like this rapidly spreading forest fire threatening to take over trying to set me aflame in my own head, destroying the peace.
It’s the sort of feeling that never gets a name because you can never understand it. It’s faceless and it wants every peaceful part of your mind. It duels with the internal satisfaction and peace that you’ve worked so hard on building up trying to defeat you and swallow you whole to keep you in an abyss of eternal sadness inside your own head.
The geek that I am, it somehow feels like a dementor’s kiss, taken forcefully without warning. It grows more and more sucking the light out of you giving you no chance to run. You try to gather all the strength that you have and reach for the place you keep your memories. Where you keep your reserves of strength and go to replenish yourself when you’re lying bloody on the ground. This is the place you must go and pick the strongest sensation of hope that you can find to fight back. You can’t hide, the place singed by the fire isn’t one where you can stay after slamming the door to the thing stalking you. You go out and you stand up with all the strength that you ever had, lift your head high, take a deep breath and bring out your strongest weapon. And; You smile.